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~~ all of us channel God ~~
~~ when we speak, when we do anything ~~
~~ some channel him better than others ~~
~~ but if God favors you, ~~
~~ hell is but a construct of heaven ~~
~~ and heaven is a hell-razor ~~

Spoken to me by an angel

Shoe latchets

February 8, 2014

I used to have a wonderful ability to remember things about her. But so painful did those memories become, that I prayed for God to take them away. And mostly, that was what he did. And then some.

This page is a newly created foreword to the Just Mare story, which follows on the next pages. When this site was first created, Just Mare and my "eternity in hell" was a mystery. I aim to explain them here for the first time.

Forgive me if I can't recall dates very well. I will do my best to be accurate.



One day, after a particularly harsh break-up, which I can only remember culminated on my birthday, my heart was breaking. That is, it hurt quite agonizingly in a manner which I felt I could not bear. This pain would go on for a very, very long time.

I always thought the bible said God would not put on me more than I could bear. That's what people always told me, anyway. But with that rationality, one could go on bearing anything as long as they didn't die.

And how could this be a good thing? Surely, Hell is even being borne by someone??

But this is not what 1 Corinthians 10:13 teaches, which is where this retranslation comes from.

1 Corinthians 10:13 (KJV)

13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

And so, remaining true to his word, God viciously hacked at my mind, as though he were a man with a sharpened ax, against the feeble branches of a pitiful Willow tree, spoliating the good branches with the bad. And he continues to hack at my branches of thought daily, so that I can go on bearing what one shouldn't ought to bear.

And in this manner, I could probably go on bearing an otherwise unbearable burden forever, barring my own suicide (a damnable offense), if I were forced to.

2


Flashback.

One day, perhaps around 1994, when I felt I'd had more than I could bear, and I just knew deep down inside that I'd never see Mare again, I prayed to God and I asked that he give me just one more moment in her arms.

In return, I would forfeit to hell my eternal soul.

A foolish prayer? Most certainly. But as soon as I did I instantly felt that it was accepted. What kind of God would accept this deal, you might ask? Good question, indeed. Perhaps one with pins stemming from his head. But to me, at the time, it was quite a blessing.

I would certainly get my moment. It was essential to the deal. And I got more than that moment for my soul.

The moment I received with Mare was beautiful.

Certainly, in the eyes of eternity, it was far less than a moment. But in my earthly eyes, it was quite long and drawn out. Tortuous. Unearthly. Kind of a hell all in its own right.

I just wanted to see her. I wanted to be near her every day.

Later in life, most of the memories of that moment were plucked from my mind. I reached out to Mary again and we connected yet a third time. But I was stood up over and over again by her, left waiting by the door, peering through the blinds for her arrival, and left sitting by my phone.

Abandoned.

This was not nearly as good as the first or second time.

And it really wasn't her fault. It was mine. I should have never let her go. It was a really complicated love affair that we had.

My deal with God was hardly a fair deal, if you ask me. Since I'm not dead yet, I guess we'll have to see what the future holds. Maybe one day God will have a change of heart and I'll be set free of my deal of an eternal hell. But at this moment, I doubt.

I'm not holding my breath. He simply won't let me. He won't let me die.

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All poems and stories on this web page are copyrighted 2014 by Ronald Randazzo.
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