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"A tiny little drop from a tiny little hole...
It amazes me how far it seems to go...
It seeps through each fiber and spreads out
in a gossamer ring. How it resembles a lovely
little red rose. I wonder how many drops
it would take to make a beautiful bouquet?"

It's so cold here. I'm so lost without you.
It's always been night without consuming your day.
Everything's grim without your sweet comforts
that I once held like a cross to turn nightmares away.

I've burned all the ribbons on your welcome-back surprise.
I'm sure you'll get another from one of the other guys.
I've kneeled in prayer for your return, but I'm too tired to even try.
Nothing left to promise God.
Why, anyway, would he want my lies?

The sun hides its rays from my beg-forgiveness eyes.
The clouds are accepting me with their arms open wide.
They say they'll always be here, but clouds are known to lie.
They only promise dreams of you so they can watch me cry.

I ran from the cold, but it's always right here.
I cry in its arms like you used to let me do,
and tell it what I've lived with these last few years,
my internal living memories, my memories of you.

So enduring is this claustrophobic gloom
That I've locked it all up in the confines of my room.
Just I and a pack of cigarettes—alone without Truth,
Living in this world long abandoned by you.

Your photo on my dresser watches over my pain:
Damp hair and wet lips in a summer night's rain.
It's all I have left, and it says you've never cared.
Why won't you come home, my sweet, precious Mare?

I look to your eyes for sympathy or remorse,
but there's never an ounce of me anywhere there,
Because the picture of you was already taken
before your eyes knew the love we once shared.

So now your shirt I hug close to my face,
hoping for a memory, or a sentimental taste,
But your shirt has long lost its cherished scent,
not a trace of Design, or even your sweat.
Only long-lasting lingers of my stale, musty breath
left over from the years after which you've left.

"Alone Anon" was written and published in 1996

Credits: Unknown

"Do you still love me?" she asked.

"Dear, of course I do," I told her. I really meant it. At least, I'm sure I did. If I didn't love her, why then I've never loved anyone in my whole, miserable life. If anyone was important to me, it was her.

"I really love you," I said.

I don't know why I had my fingers crossed behind my back. It was a childish thing to do. Maybe I didn't want to love her anymore.

"How, though?" she asked. "After all I've done to you, all the things I've put you through, how could you still
love me?"

For a moment, I didn't know how to respond. I had never asked myself that question before. But then, the words came to me. The words came that I knew that she was waiting to hear.

"My love for you is infallible," I said. "Eternally yours, remember I wrote you that? The card on your flowers, the notes on your bed? I love you – unconditionally."

A tear began to swell up in her right eye. I could see it. I watched it fill up between the slow nips of her breathing. I felt at any second that she'd fall to tears. When the tears finally came, I almost enjoyed those tears. But something inside me made me question myself. Maybe she wasn't such a hateful creature after all. Maybe underneath all that cruelness, there was a loving person. And maybe she was still in love with me. Just then, a tear started to form in my eye as well.

Then she really lost her head.

"Oh, baby," she sobbed. "I missed you, too, you have no idea," she said. "Every face that passed by became yours. When I turned on the radio or answered the phone, I heard your voice instead. When the lights went out at night, I could feel your warm breath on my neck. And once, when I was sleeping, I woke up, and I thought I felt your warm hands beneath my breast. I thought you didn't love me anymore. I thought we'd never be together again."

"My sweet angel," I comforted her, and brushed my hand over her damp cheek. "I told you I'd never let you go, and I meant it. And after you threw me away, I still belonged to you. I waited for you. Though it was you who ruined me, after you taught me what it was like to be with someone. You taught me what it meant to love. You taught me to feel things deeper than life, warmer than lust. You taught me how to be nourished through your very soul."

"Oh, love. That first night we'd spent together, I knew it would be forever."

She threw her frail arms around me.

"Oh, it was baby, it was."

And then I laughed loudly, and it was cold and shrill. My sweet, innocent angel looked at me, completely unsuspecting. She looked into my eyes, and I saw that tear roll down her face. I saw it slide down her cheek in slow motion. It hit the floor like a tidal wave crashing on a windless beach. And it laid there. And in the reflection of that tear was every last memory that ever went through her mind.

She stood entwined in my loving embrace. Secretly, my right hand reached behind me and grabbed the consecrating blade from the back of my belt. Yes, that very same blade that cut out my soul and fed it to her bastard demons a lifetime ago. The knife that took my life from me was now waiting there, quivering in my hand. It seemed so intent on getting my soul back for me. I thrust it out in front of me with both hands. By that time, it seemed to have taken on a life of it's own. Then, those same loving hands that used to caress her beautiful, milky-white body, drove that blade deep into the crown of her head.

Her body slid down mine, lifeless, pulling away a part of my shirt with it. She still looked up at me with a cold, hardened stare.

And then she slipped away.

(C)Copyright 1996 by Ronald Randazzo.



A Stone and a Casket (epilogue)

First published in 1996 1 2

A stone and a casket
on a cold, amber eve.
I slowly unpacked
beneath your tree.

In the canvas sack
laid a shovel and a spade.
With a breeze at my back,
I perched in the shade.

Up from below
came a warm pool of steam.
You want me, now I know,
it never was a dream.

My lips, dry and cracked.
My throat, parched of thirst.
It won't be much longer, darling,
or my heart will surely burst.

I was going to save
the love you wouldn't take,
like the ring to you I gave
that you buried in the lake.

And forever I would be
your mortal slave so true
and love you more than he
you thought you really knew.

I waited atop your mound of dirt.
Two deep breaths and a silent prayer.
An empty vase and a grassy skirt.
I never wanted to put you there!

But I knew I loved you,
and forever planned that day.
I slayed you, that part's true,
but it was the only possible way.

The earth was soft
and warm and wet.
I dug 'til I coughed
from drowning in sweat.

When I found you and beheld you,
you were waiting for me there.
Your nails had turned blue
and you clutched at your hair.

In tears, I dropped
and knelt at your feet.
My heart had to stop –
you never smelled so sweet!!

I took you in my arms
and held you to my chest,
when I heard distant sirens
coming quickly from the west.

I climbed from your tomb.
In my arm rest your head.
Like a bride and a groom,
over the threshold to my bed.

I rubbed your back so you could rest
'til my eyes became so sleepy.
With my face buried in your breast,
that night I slept so sound and deeply.

When I woke you were watching me.
I shut your eyes but they popped back open.
I didn't want you to ever see
the tears I cried from my heart; so broken!

Your head lulled and rolled to one side.
I kissed your lips to wake you up.
But your soul from me you still try to hide.
My darling, I promise, I will never give up!

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All poems and stories on this page are (C)Copyright 1996 by Ronald Randazzo.
Most of this original work was originally published under the pseudonym Ronald Rand.
Tributary Credits