It's so cold here. I'm so lost without you.
I've burned all the ribbons on your welcome-back surprise.
The sun hides its rays from my beg-forgiveness eyes.
I ran from the cold, but it's always right here.
So enduring is this claustrophobic gloom
Your photo on my dresser watches over my pain:
I look to your eyes for sympathy or remorse,
So now your shirt I hug close to my face,
"Alone Anon" was written and published in 1996
you still love me?" she asked.
"How, though?" she
asked. "After all I've done to you, all the things I've put you through,
how could you still
For a moment, I didn't know how to respond. I had never asked myself that question before. But then, the words came to me. The words came that I knew that she was waiting to hear.
"My love for you is infallible," I said. "Eternally yours, remember I wrote you that? The card on your flowers, the notes on your bed? I love you – unconditionally."
A tear began to swell up in her right eye. I could see it. I watched it fill up between the slow nips of her breathing. I felt at any second that she'd fall to tears. When the tears finally came, I almost enjoyed those tears. But something inside me made me question myself. Maybe she wasn't such a hateful creature after all. Maybe underneath all that cruelness, there was a loving person. And maybe she was still in love with me. Just then, a tear started to form in my eye as well.
Then she really
lost her head.
"My sweet angel," I comforted her, and brushed my hand over her damp cheek. "I told you I'd never let you go, and I meant it. And after you threw me away, I still belonged to you. I waited for you. Though it was you who ruined me, after you taught me what it was like to be with someone. You taught me what it meant to love. You taught me to feel things deeper than life, warmer than lust. You taught me how to be nourished through your very soul."
"Oh, love. That
first night we'd spent together, I knew it would be forever."
"Oh, it was baby, it was."
She stood entwined in my loving embrace. Secretly, my right hand reached behind me and grabbed the consecrating blade from the back of my belt. Yes, that very same blade that cut out my soul and fed it to her bastard demons a lifetime ago. The knife that took my life from me was now waiting there, quivering in my hand. It seemed so intent on getting my soul back for me. I thrust it out in front of me with both hands. By that time, it seemed to have taken on a life of it's own. Then, those same loving hands that used to caress her beautiful, milky-white body, drove that blade deep into the crown of her head.
Her body slid down mine, lifeless, pulling away a part of my shirt with it. She still looked up at me with a cold, hardened stare.
And then she slipped away.
First published in 1996 1 2
A stone and a casket
on a cold, amber eve.
I slowly unpacked
beneath your tree.
In the canvas sack
laid a shovel and a spade.
With a breeze at my back,
I perched in the shade.
Up from below
came a warm pool of steam.
You want me, now I know,
it never was a dream.
My lips, dry and cracked.
My throat, parched of thirst.
It won't be much longer, darling,
or my heart will surely burst.
I was going to save
the love you wouldn't take,
like the ring to you I gave
that you buried in the lake.
And forever I would be
your mortal slave so true
and love you more than he
you thought you really knew.
I waited atop your mound of dirt.
Two deep breaths and a silent prayer.
An empty vase and a grassy skirt.
I never wanted to put you there!
But I knew I loved you,
and forever planned that day.
I slayed you, that part's true,
but it was the only possible way.
The earth was soft
and warm and wet.
I dug 'til I coughed
from drowning in sweat.
When I found you and beheld you,
you were waiting for me there.
Your nails had turned blue
and you clutched at your hair.
In tears, I dropped
and knelt at your feet.
My heart had to stop –
you never smelled so sweet!!
I took you in my arms
and held you to my chest,
when I heard distant sirens
coming quickly from the west.
I climbed from your tomb.
In my arm rest your head.
Like a bride and a groom,
over the threshold to my bed.
I rubbed your back so you could rest
'til my eyes became so sleepy.
With my face buried in your breast,
that night I slept so sound and deeply.
When I woke you were watching me.
I shut your eyes but they popped back open.
I didn't want you to ever see
the tears I cried from my heart; so broken!
Your head lulled and rolled to one side.
I kissed your lips to wake you up.
But your soul from me you still try to hide.
My darling, I promise, I will never give up!