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It won't be easy, I'm thinking to myself.
It never really is.
The minute hand swings and tocks off another minute.

This must be how Poe felt when he thought of the Pendulum.

Slowly on my left side a scar is disappearing
And another gash opens like a scream.

The hand tocks again and echoes like a distant hammer.
Time gives birth to another minute and another day has died.

Staring into emptiness, Just like last year and the year before that,
I whisper to you again, Happy Birthday.



October 19, 1998 - 1:15am

You're not easy to forget. It's been so long since we've spoken that I imagine that you are dead. I still dream of the eclipse, or the rose and the kiss that turned up on my windshield when I'd almost forgotten who you were.

It's you who knocks on my door, isn't it? When I open it, and the steps are bare, still I'm reminded of the little things. So it has to be you. Like the time you asked me to dance and I was too damned shy. I wish now that I'd taken you up on that. If I were made the offer again, I'd surely not turn it down. I'll even dance with you right now if you want. I'll close my eyes so you won't have to be afraid anymore. You can stand right here in front of me, and I promise not to open my eyes until you're gone.

Yesterday, I was staring into the mirror and I was horrified at what looked back at me. I had to struggle to keep my eyes open. Have you ever spoken to someone that makes you feel so damned uncomfortable that you have a hard time looking at them? So you pretend to be looking at your hands, or your watch, anything, and all the while you're hoping for a car wreck, or a nuclear bomb to explode right outside the window so that you have a reason to look away for good? What do you suppose it means when you can't even look at yourself?

Speaking of looks, the other day I was driving, and I had this really strange expression on my face. Some girl was out cruising, and she pulled up next to me, and she was looking at me all kind of funny, and I think I was making her laugh. I had this grin on my face even though I was all alone. I was smiling because I could swear you were playing with my collar and it tickled. I loved it when you did that. You should do that more often. Was that you?

It's been getting colder and colder outside. The leaves on the trees are changing colors. You should see them, they're beautiful. There's shades of green, violet, lots of bright yellow, and the darkest of oranges. It's been sunny these last few days, but it feels very strange. Because all through the Summer I got used to the fact that when I saw the sun I could just run outside in a pair of shorts and a tee-shirt. With winter almost here, I keep forgetting to put on warmer clothes. I keep making it all the way out to my car and having to come all the way back in to change again.

Everybody was wrong. The pain hasn't gone away. So, what do you think it's going to take? I've tried everything I can think of and nothing seems to work. It's hard to keep moving forward when everything worthwhile is always one step behind me.

I've been thinking about the first time we met and have been meaning to ask you something. What were you thinking about? I knew I was in love with you right from the start. I don't think you were interested in me, though. Usually, when someone's interested in me, I know. [Lies.] I watched you all the time. Maybe I'd just peek out of the corner of my eye when you walked by, but I was always watching and dreaming of you. Did you feel like that, too?

Do you want to know something else? Remember the night of the big blizzard? Remember when work was over, and everyone ran out to the parking lot to go home, and there was at least two feet of snow and ice everywhere? And wherever you looked, you could see people chipping away at their windows with their ice scrapers, and wearing their mittens, and their scarves were wrapped completely around their heads? Every car was buried except for yours. It was sparkling and clean. Well, that was me!

Surprise! And you didn't even know my name.

Sometimes, I still see you out of the corner of my eye, and it often feels like that first day we met. Maybe one day we could start over like that. Maybe there'll be a time and a place for that some day. I think that's what heaven's for: second chances.

The next time you come around, let me know, because I'll make sure there's still a dry spot for you in the driveway, and I'll make you a special dinner. You won't have to do a thing. I'll even clean up the mess. And we'll talk about old times and have a few laughs. Hey, remember that time I tried to open the jug of salsa, and I dumped it all over myself? I never saw you try so hard not to laugh.

Well, I have to go to sleep now. It's past midnight, and it's your birthday, so it's gonna' be a big day tomorrow. It was nice talking to you again. Oh yeah, and tonight when I'm sleeping, I won't mind if you decide to snuggle up next to me, even if you're not there when I wake up.

Love.

 

 

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All poems and stories on this web page are copyright 1996-1999 Ron ald Randazzo.
Most of this original work was originally published under the pseudonym Ronald R and.
Tributary Credits

Cocaine Kiss - A Birthday Letter